Don’t Fix It?
How does one determine and/or agree with another’s feeling about what is or isn’t broken?
How does one determine how just, worthy or right another’s feelings are when hurt?
Emotions are a very large part of all of us and probably the most important and largest hurdle in all relationships, dismissing them is a huge mistake. We are all human, whether you acknowledge or embrace your emotions, healthy or not they are still there in the background. Emotional well-being and communication are the most important aspects to staying grounded and sane for that matter. Shoving them deep down is a misconception that you can control them but you can’t, they are the rabid caged dogs just waiting to get out. They could come out at the worst possible time and in the worst way and when they do you are fooling yourself if you think you are in control. Obviously it would not be the preference to have your emotions writhing away recklessly on others but taking the time to find out where the hurts are that you’ve buried deep within is your best resource to understanding and managing your own triggers. The deep dive into who you are and what makes you tick is a lengthy and arduous journey, sometimes it gets messy but all times it’s worth it!
Relationships can feel so difficult at times and those difficulties can usually be found within the standards we have set in our minds and are holding onto. Are your standards too high, too low, not expressed or just expected? When you fail to communicate how you feel so much gets overlooked and lost.
When you have difficulty are you listening with presence for the purpose of understanding when another expresses how they are feeling and asking the questions of what has hurt or upset them? Or are you pushing their feelings aside and acknowledging only your own emotions, holding on strongly to the ideal that until your needs are met and your issues are heard there is nothing to discuss?
Issues not acknowledged or addressed remain active issues!
The term “sweeping something under the carpet” does nothing to heal the wound left by whatever broke it open. You can’t band-aid everything, sometimes you have to take ownership of your part and reach for greater understanding. Of course there are two sides to every story and this does not mean that you are wrong and the other person is right but acknowledging how you have affected someone is a very important moment in making things right and properly healing a wound that you may have caused and vice versa.
There are many reasons why some of us do not acknowledge or own our missteps or wrongdoings against those we like/love and most times they have nothing to do with the other person but that can hardly be comforting when you are the one feeling emotionally stung. Sure you can say to yourself I know they don’t really mean it but does that change how it has affected you when you have been scoffed at or labeled too sensitive? Most times one isn’t aware of why or what is causing them to lash out, that is inner work and not everyone knows they need it or want to do it. If you don’t get in touch with the truth of yourself how will you ever truly connect with others?
My upbringing was wonderful, my mother was my main influence and I learned so much from her. She was so generous with soul nourishment and support and shared her values lovingly. Such a blessing!
I was raised to treat others with respect, dignity and grace which would help me show others how I would like to be treated in return.
- The challenge in that though is with who you are interacting with, how they have been treated in the past, how it has affected them and how they affect others outwardly as a result.
I have now learned the necessity of finding my voice to express my boundaries.
I was raised to give others the benefit of the doubt because sometimes you can misunderstand something especially if it isn’t directly spoken or displayed.
- The challenge in this respect lies within the realm of assumption and presumption which is a path I believe has been well travelled by many including myself, in the past.
I have now learned the art of expression for clarification.
I was raised to give others a second chance because sometimes people make mistakes and it doesn’t mean they are terrible it just means they are human.
- The challenge here is sometimes it can go on too long and you become a doormat giving the other the idea that they can continue to dish it out and you will accept whatever they are serving.
I have now learned when to draw the boundary of how many times that is acceptable.
It is my thought that relationships are not so much something two people have to constantly work at to be successful. I feel it only becomes work when we stop listening to each other. The “work” is only necessary when there is a lack of flexibility, respect and appreciation for the other person’s feelings about any one topic. It seems to me that conflict only arises when there is refusal to hear any other side other than one’s own and insistence of only one right opinion. No one person’s opinion on any topic is wrong because it doesn’t match yours, it just means they have a different point of view and perspective. If you are open to discussion and listening there is great opportunity for higher learning and evolvement. Different opinions invite healthy discussion to further understanding and is a benefit to not just your own higher learning but to growing a connection stronger.
With all that is going on globally there is much opportunity and time to reflect and consider how you can improve the well-being of others as well as yourself, to take that deeper look at how you are connecting, how you are affecting and how you are being affected. Talk doesn’t need to be cheap it can and should be valuable especially within the relationships you want to cultivate, nourish and broaden.
I think when you start asking yourself the deeper questions it leads you to a place of deeper understanding and sense of compassion. It takes you to the place of releasing things that have been holding you so far down that the only way to go is up and from there you will find that the walls you have built are no longer needed because you are content and comfortable with who you are. You aren’t holding others responsible for how they have affected or made you feel because you now feel strong within yourself. Anyone trying to make you feel less than now no longer has the power to do so because you have developed so much confidence in yourself that you can look in the mirror and smile, knowing you have done your best. This inner belief is the equivalent of someone who never tells a lie, they don’t have to worry about being caught because they have not altered the truth, they aren’t going to trip up and tell the wrong story because there is only one story. When you know the truth and speak the truth there is nothing anyone can say to question that.
Shelley Hallmark 