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Cause and Effect

When Change is Your Only Option

[ I haven’t posted any writings in the last few months as I am working on another book but recently I’ve had the thoughts below marinating in my mind and felt the need to share ]

what are you doing for others

Changes in life aren’t always planned or even known, sometimes they just occur all of a sudden and turn your world upside down, hopefully it’s a more positive experience rather than negative but what usually follows is a new ways of seeing, thinking, believing and living.

Transitioning into change isn’t always an easy road but it is naturally how the path progresses.  When you are moving from one phase of your life into the next the changes are not just what is around you, but also what is within.  Changing old habits and/or outdated ways of thinking usually manifests after you’ve either been resisting or struggling to move forward, sometimes without even realizing it.

All life evolves, that we all know and how you personally evolve depends on your choices which of course is of your free will to make but transition can be made easier if you choose to embrace it instead of resisting it (believe me, I’m not saying I’ve always done this, quite the opposite at times, but when you know better, you do better).  I’ve learned to recognize that when I am resisting transition (which I haven’t always been able to identify in the past) that I feel scattered, frustrated, blocked like I’m banging my head against a wall without fully understanding why only to later come to the realization, that “aha” moment, when things start to smooth out and make sense.  Clarity and awareness can be a beautiful thing.

Awareness in yourself is a learned experience, recognizing and reading the signs and symptoms in your own personality is an opportunity worth taking advantage of and sometimes necessary.  Rising to your own challenges will advance every aspect of your character and life but only if you are open to it.  You have to be open to it or it won’t work.

I choose to embrace the positive aspects in all areas of life, I do not like to shed light on negativity for too long because I’m very wary of feeding the wrong energy, but unfortunately sometimes (dare I say, too often) the negative happens and it needs to be looked at in order to raise awareness.

Awareness in others is also a learned experience, recognizing and listening to your inner voice.

When something doesn’t feel right, it isn’t!

Every time I have ignored my gut instinct it always comes back to bite me and that moment of realization, knowing I knew then what I’m learning now feels worse for me because I know I purposely didn’t listen.

I’ve seen a few too many in the last little while of those I care about that are taken advantage of because of their kindness and trust.  Too often when your gut tells you something is wrong you silence it, not always because you think you know better but because within the frame of kindness is the benefit of the doubt.  The benefit of doubt is given out of trust and those who do not have good intentions will manipulate and thrive on that because they are not serving a higher purpose, they are serving only themselves.

  • How does one learn to differentiate between the good and bad?
  • How does one learn to trust their instincts after falling victim to such toxicity and ill will?
  • How does one learn to trust others again?
  • Does the benefit of the doubt ever come back to you?

I think these are the questions you end up asking yourself over and over and over again when an event changes your life abruptly.

I wish there was a quick fix, a way to go back, a way to erase the damage, unfortunately there is not.  The quotes always say you have two options, you rise again or you let it define you, but I don’t know if I agree with that.

I believe there is one option, you rise again, become stronger!

The past cannot be changed, there is absolutely no way you can go back and re-write the story, there is no benefit to re-living it over and over in your mind, you are only torturing yourself. 

There is a process though and the only way to get through a storm is to brave it and fight your way through.  In order to move forward you have to feel the range of emotions as they come and let the wound heal in the time it needs to do so.

The lesson learned, the awareness gained will be that you refuse to give up your personal power to anyone again.  It’s not about forgiving someone else, someone who may or may not be sorry, it’s about forgiving yourself for gracing someone with your kindness and trust when they weren’t worthy of it.

The only thing you can do is make peace with it so you don’t re-live it every day in your present or into your future.  As terrible as an experience is, was or feels, the effects of the experience changes you and how that change manifests within is up to you.

Be a warrior for you!

mirror, mirror

 
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Posted by on June 11, 2016 in Blog

 

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Trust

Affects All Parts of Your Self

I happened to catch a show on the OWN Network the other night with a couple of key note speakers discussing the topic of Trust.  I always like to hear different perspectives and thought processes on any topic because it always makes me think and sometimes challenges my own perceptions.

Everyone has a different opinion and perspective and even if it doesn’t match mine at times I think it’s important to at least honour their feelings.

Trust is built in very small moments – Brene Brown.

If you think the littlest of gestures are insignificant, think again because they build that grander scale of trust.  It takes a longer time to build then it does to destroy it.

I’ve included the definition of both trust and distrust as described by Charles Feltman because like Brene Brown, I think it’s close to the best one I’ve heard.

  • Trust is choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.
  • Distrust is what I have shared with you that is important to me but is not safe with you.

I absolutely had to include the acronym as created by Brene Brown regarding the “Anatomy of Trust”, because it seems to me to be the best description and aspects of all relationships.

Brene Brown’s acronym for trust is BRAVING, when we trust we are braving connection with someone.

B – Boundaries; I trust you, if you are clear about your boundaries and you hold them and you’re clear about my boundaries and you respect them.  There is no trust without boundaries.

R – Reliability; I can only trust you if you do what you say you’re going to do and not just once.

A – Accountability; I can only trust you if when you make a mistake you are willing to own it, apologize for it and make amends.  I can only trust you if when I make a mistake I am allowed to own it, apologize and make amends.

V – Vault; what I share with you, you will hold in confidence, what you share with me I will hold in confidence.

I – Integrity; I cannot trust you and be in a trusting relationship if you do not act from a place of integrity and encourage me to do the same.

N – Non-judgement; I can fall apart ask for help and be in struggle without being judged by you and you can fall apart ask for help and be in struggle without being judged by me.

G – Generosity; a relationship is only a trusting relationship if you can assume the most generous thing about my words, intentions and behaviours and then check in with me.

In my opinion, this acronym encompasses everything that is important for trusting to be successful, if you have doubts in any area of the descriptions from the acronym then maybe further introspection would be of benefit for you.  Everyone has their own ways and I wouldn’t say that there is only one right way but I do know that everyone knows in their gut when something is off so pay attention to that as it will be your greatest guide.

Knowing yourself and how things make you feel is the best way to know how your level of trust with someone is doing.  When trust is damaged it has you questioning not only the one you are in trust with but yourself, you end up going through the usual conversations with self “how could I have been so stupid” or “why did I not see that coming”.  As a result not only is the relationship damaged but your own self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence.  It’s amazing how much damage that can be done in a moment when the thought of another is not held to the high standard it should be because trust is very important.

I just had such an affinity for the conversation because the integrity of trust is such a huge part of all relationships, more than I think many realize.  It’s always said that it’s the little things that matter and this is very true within trust because in the little moments you learn about others, develop, build and evolve the relationship.  You get the true moments and of course with it the openness and vulnerability.  It’s important to be very aware of the vulnerability in others, I think especially so you can always strive to be a better person, one that knows compassion and empathy and wants to bring it into relationships as an enhancement for the connection.

disappointments

 
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Posted by on December 15, 2015 in Blog

 

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Everything in its Time, and…

Everything in its Place

Have you ever wondered why things work out mysteriously the way they do? How an outcome at the time seems strange but later make sense? When you have a conversation or experience that seems oddly familiar, like a déjà vu?

I often think that there is a Universal master plan when I experience these déjà vu moments and especially when an outcome that I didn’t believe was of benefit becomes a later realization of better than I could have designed. I do believe that everything happens for a reason and have faith that the answers will eventually become clear, trusting in that faith is what helps keep the intensity of the storms in perspective. I do find though that more often than not things work and balance out to my benefit, having a positive attitude and outlook on life definitely helps. It’s not that every day is a fabulous one and that it’s all rainbows and roses, everyone including me has their down times but I work hard to keep those down times from defining my life.

I do find it curious how different scenarios play out and at times it does feel like some sort of divine and/or universal intervention is in effect. I do believe we are all connected to each other and I think how that is felt depends on how deep of an impact the connection actually was or still is. Have you ever had the thought of someone and then they call you or a song comes on the radio that is one you connect with that person. I think the song example is usually related to past connections and the phone call is related to current. Just my experiences so far, that is by no way a fact and how you sense, feel or think of those connections will likely be different for everyone.

What are your big questions, what stirs your spirit, what stirs your curiosity? I love having the conversations with people that are thought provoking, eye opening and inspiring. The conversations that challenge and ignite my thirst for answers to my biggest questions and the desire to dig deeper. If I don’t keep challenging myself than it feels like I’m just going through the motions of each day without any direction, I mean it has to be about something, doesn’t it?

It’s about connecting with others on a soul level that doesn’t just touch your heart but your spirit so you feel connected on a deeper level that is beyond deciphering it. This is what I feel is “everything in its place” because sometimes it feels as if there was no reason except every reason for you to connect with someone on that level. Some people come into our lives without a purpose and with every purpose, which eventually makes sense so much that you couldn’t imagine them not in your life. You find that anything and everything is on topic and you become immediately enmeshed as if you had known each other for longer than your current time.

It makes sense to me that we come into this life without intent or knowledge of the plan which I feel is “everything in its time” and every once in a while the déjà vu moments are like signposts to let us know we are on the right path and going in the right direction. Whether you desire change or not it’s going to happen and the more accepting you become of impending change the easier it will be to adjust when it occurs. Not everything is going to be easy and it’s not meant to but the people that come into place in your life have a purpose, some are there to help, to inspire or to motivate change. Some of them are meant to stay longer than others and some are for lifetime, I have a more in depth look at this in a past blog “In Your Life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime”.

I think it’s really important to always remember that none of your challenges are meant to break or define you, they are all meant to help you grow. When you embrace that understanding the storms won’t seem as rough because you’ll have faith that new wisdom and growth is just around the corner.

something good on the horizon

 
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Posted by on January 5, 2015 in Blog

 

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Say What You Mean and……..

Mean What you Say!

Your actions are how you really feel, your words are the smoke screen that masks those feelings.

It seems simple really to say what you mean but people rarely do so and when it comes to honest communication I think many of us are afraid to voice our real thoughts. Some hold back because they don’t want to hurt the other and some hold back because they lack the courage to tackle the conflict ahead.

The only way to truly get to the bottom of any communication snag is open and honest communication and while it may feel difficult to find the right words I believe that as long as your communication comes from a sincere and compassionate place there isn’t anything that can’t be resolved.

Resolution means that an understanding has been reached not necessarily that a relationship goes back to its previous state. When resolution is required it is because somewhere along the lines something occurred to change the dynamics of the relationship, not all changes are good and not all changes are bad but it is these such changes that could have permanence in how the relationship works.

Sugar coating the words to ease tension isn’t any kind of good solution, everyone inherently knows when they are in the wrong in any given situation and pretending like it’s ok and/or sweeping it under the rug creates two problems.boundaries

  • It sends the message that the behaviour is acceptable and “please continue, I do not have healthy boundaries”.

 

  • Conversely it may send the message that they aren’t important enough in your life for you to be honest.

If you’re not saying anything to avoid hurting someone than this action is counterproductive to your efforts because you are hurting them anyway. Not every advice or constructive criticism is easy but if you really want to see the best occur for others than those not so comfortable conversations sometimes need to take place.

Regardless of your own reasons for not saying what you mean or meaning what you say, it does more damage than good when you hide your true feelings and everyone involved is already aware of the elephant in the room, the words just haven’t been vocalized.

All of us handle conflict and change differently, some better than others and some not but conflict is a necessary part of life and without it we wouldn’t learn how to properly transition ourselves through adversity but hopefully we learn to do so with a little bit of grace.

I’ve had a lot of difficulty in this area of life and I think that’s mostly because I’m not sure I can articulate something clearly enough, that it may be misunderstood and defensiveness or anger can result and because I feel my words may be too honest and/or harsh.

The very real issue with holding back is that it creates distance in the relationship and with time that distance grows until the connection is no longer there and what do you do then? I guess that depends on the foundation and stability of a relationship from the beginning, what the common thread was that held it all together. If that thread is based on something strong and whole like respect, honesty and integrity than relationships can survive the challenges but if the foundation is weak and solely supported by only one that is actively nurturing it than it is very likely to crumble.

One of the most damaging things that can occur in relationships is saying something that you don’t mean out of anger. Our words can be just as damaging as our actions, if not more, the phrase “think before you speak” is the most important mantra you could ever instill in your mind because once the stone is thrown you can never take it back. If you feel you are in a mind space that you know is affecting you negatively then it is not the best time to have any kind of discussions that require you to have an open mind or heart. There’s a huge difference between loving and honest communication and spewing nasty words out of spite.

The foundation of all relationships is trust, trust that you can allow others to see your vulnerable side and trust that they won’t use it against you.

It takes years to build trust with others and only moments to destroy it!

Don’t be that person! Build trust and value it, communicate honestly and mean it, actively nurture your coveted relationships and appreciate what you’ve been blessed with so far.

communication

 
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Posted by on July 30, 2014 in Blog

 

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All Good Things in the Right Time!

Allowing the Universe to Set the Pace

I have my beliefs that I follow, one of them is having faith that things work out as they should and when they should, fighting or resisting the natural flow is pointless and usually very frustrating so it’s better for me to do what I need to do and allow the Universe to respond and set the pace.

I have many life goals that I want to achieve, all of which I have initiated and the most important aspect that I have to remain true to, is faith that the Universe will present the right opportunities when the time is perfectly right and not to try to force anything ahead of what is already divinely arranged.

The Universe provides us all with what we need but knows when the time is right and when we are most open to receive, accept and embrace.  I think there are definitely times when we don’t realize that we aren’t fully open and could be blocking ourselves in some way that isn’t easily recognizable for us so that we could change it.  I know that there have been a few times where I’ve thought “I’m ready” but things aren’t happening the way I’d hoped or when I’d hoped.  What I’ve realized much later is even though I thought was ready, it turns out I wasn’t, I just thought I was and thought I knew better but that was the ego thinking  (EGO:  Edging God Out – as in removing faith in what you cannot see)

I’m not over the top in my beliefs and everyone has their own right to choose, I’ve learned what works for me and what doesn’t and I have adjusted and lived my life accordingly.  Everyone should have the right to choose their own path and not be forced or coerced down one that doesn’t fully feel right or aligned with their inner core.  As much as I’d like to at times help or direct someone I care about down a path that I feel is best for them it is not my place to do so and I don’t walk in their shoes every day so I am not aware of all that occurs within, nor do I have the right to judge which path they choose, that is the beauty of “free will”.  Live and let live, I know I don’t like being told how I should be doing things so why should I expect that anyone else would.  I am always open and appreciative to hear the opinion and/or advice of others I respect and admire but the final decisions are ultimately mine to make.

Our ego can get the better of us at times because it inflates and infuses our thoughts into an over-exaggerated belief of self-prominence and knowledge.  What I’ve usually discovered later down the road in hindsight is usually very humbling and expands my awareness to a greater degree.

I believe the best course of action is to lay the groundwork, let the Universe respond when the time is right and be open to waiting for it and taking advantage of the opportunity when it presents itself, you will “feel it” when the opportunity is right, do not hesitate, seize the moment.  Trusting and believing that things will happen as they should and when they should is the key to enhancing your patience.  If something doesn’t go the way you’d hoped it usually takes you into a newer and better direction, one that turns out to be a better plan that maybe you never had thought of or considered.  Every single time I have maintained my belief and faith I have been rewarded with more opportunities than I could have imagined and that is enough of an indication for me to stay on the same track because it works great!  I don’t need to push the boundaries because things always tend to even out in the end so putting myself through additional stress trying to push or force something to happen is pointless.

faith quote

Like I said earlier I have many life goals that I’ve initiated, I have many hopeful desires for life direction that I will continue to focus my strongest thoughts on and I will do all that I need to achieve them but without force because the Universe will present the opportunities and if it isn’t what I’d hoped for, I know it will be something better, experience has taught me that lesson.

Remember your thoughts (positive or negative) are just as strong an influence on the direction your life goes as anything in your life and what you most think about will show up in your life so be very aware of what thoughts you have in both your conscious and sub-conscious mind.  In my opinion it is the sub-conscious mind that has the most power (the sub-conscious runs continually), you can say to yourself consciously that you wish and desire things one way but if you feel deep down (sub-consciously) that your thoughts really don’t fully believe than you could be your own downfall.

As an example to illustrate this theory, I myself utilize this same thought process but I also read it as an excerpt from one of the contributing writers in the book “The Secret”.  A woman spoke of having issues with her weight her whole life and when she started to utilize the theories in the “The Secret” that changed.  Her sub-conscious thoughts used to fully support her reasoning for having difficulty with controlling her weight, how she couldn’t lose it no matter how many different diets she tried or how much exercise she did.

In case you aren’t seeing what the common denominator is here she kept reinforcing negative thoughts that backed up why she couldn’t shed the unwanted pounds:

–         I tried exercise but can’t lose any weight

–         Everything I eat goes to my waist

–         I’ve tried all diets and nothing keeps it off

All of her inner responses and sub-conscious thoughts were reinforcing and allowing the negative to keep operating against her with excuses as to why it wasn’t working, making it ok to fail and justifying it.

It really does all begin with changing your thoughts as to where you can progress to and having faith that things will go in the direction you want.  So she changed her thoughts and reinforced them with positive ones

–         Exercise is taking off the excess I want to discard

–         Nothing is going to stick to me

–         This new diet of moderation with occasional reward is working

By the end of the story the woman had said she was down to her goal weight and maintaining it because of this change of thought process and that was within not only the conscious but sub-conscious mind.  You need to have both on board to be able to effect the change you want to see.

The same enhancement of thought goes for everything in your life including your faith and state of being and even though I’ve had my moments of doubt (which I believe everyone has at one time or another, it’s only natural and human), but bringing myself back to center and positive thinking will bring a much more relaxed state of happiness and healthy living.

–         Be Aware

–         Be Open

–         Be Gracious

–         Be Humble

The Universe will give you what you need when you live in these states of being.  Always remember that things could be so much worse and that breath of life is a gift that shouldn’t go unappreciated.

just have a little faith

 
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Posted by on August 31, 2013 in Blog

 

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Serendipity is Magical!

Don’t Chase Destiny, Let it Find You

My interpretation of Serendipity is allowing destiny to unfold as the universe has intended and embracing those moments along the way.  Even if that Serendipity is not something you’ve had on your radar of desires I think it’s important to at least acknowledge and consider the possibilities.  I’ve attached the actual definition I googled below:

Serendipity:  an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident

I experienced specific times when Serendipity was at play and I always used to refer to those times as Divine Intervention, although I don’t think it really matters how you personally interpret it, just that you recognize and/or allow it into your life to work its magic.

If you think back to the insignificant moments in your life that ultimately had a bigger impact then you had realized at the time, ask yourself, did you embrace those moments or resist them?  Or were they so casual at the time that you weren’t aware of their part in the bigger picture?  When you make these connections later it’s amazing to see how integral certain moments were and how different the direction of your life may have been had those casual encounters not occurred.

There are probably a lot of ways you can reflect and evaluate each and every occurrence in your life but I think mostly I’m asking about the moments that felt oddly familiar or significant in some way, but you can’t quite put your finger on it.  I’m sure there are many and there are a few for me that are still unanswered that I haven’t put the pieces together on yet and I’m looking forward to that moment of clarity.

destiny

It’s a matter of trusting and believing that your destiny (whatever that may be) will present itself when the time is perfectly right and having faith that your destiny is in alignment with all the seeds you have sewn so far.  We are all meant to have good in our lives, it’s unfortunate that we can get too sidetracked by the negative aspects in our human existence but they are there to test our strength of character and sometimes tempt us down the wrong path.  These challenges can seem impassable but they are always valuable lessons that are necessary to our destiny.  I do believe that there is always hope to change a path that is causing any kind of turmoil in your life and I think the best way to interpret difficulty is to realize that these tests are tough because you are meant for greater things that require greater strength and that difficulty will shape you into the person you need to be to live your specific destiny.

My bottom line:

–          Don’t cut yourself off from embracing something just because it is unknown, have faith that “Everything happens for a Reason”, the reason will become clear to you when you are fully ready for it.

–          Don’t let negativity win, you are more powerful than you may think or realize at this time

–          Do try to find the silver lining even in the difficult times for it will lead to a more positive state of being, which is the kryptonite to negativity.

Serendipity occurs to remind you that there is still magic left in your life and when those moments occur; embrace them, allow them to play out without resistance and I bet it will lead you to a life you couldn’t have imagined or written for yourself.

serendipity

 
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Posted by on April 24, 2013 in Blog

 

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Trusting in the Divine

Having Faith in What is Meant To Be

What a tough one this really is, especially for me because I am a planner, I like to know what’s coming down the road.  Even though I know that what is meant to be, will be, no matter what, it’s still difficult at times to trust in that faith.  I like change, I like the variety and I only like routine in specific areas of my life.  Unfortunately having such distinct and particular ideas can make acceptance and trust hard to manage and something I still work at to this day.  I have found that Wayne Dyers’ quote of “change the way you look at things, the things you look at change” has been significantly helpful when I remember to remind myself.  Please click on the link I’ve just attached to view his you tube video, he is an irreplacable source of wisdom.  When I’m in a state of being that is blocking my positive energy I find that sometimes I can’t summon the thoughts to carry me out of it.

My two biggest detractors have been trust and faith that what is meant to be, will be, no matter what.  My resistance to this, for whatever reason, will not change anything except to prevent me from finding resolution and peace sooner rather than later.  In resisting I cause myself to stay in that state for longer and there is absolutely no benefit.  I need to continually remind myself to let go, trust, have faith and stop trying to steer the course that is all part of the divine plan, a plan that I don’t know the outcome of.  The moment I remind myself of this quote is the moment that everything shifts into the perspective it should have been in all along.  I don’t think I could really explain it further, it’s something that you need to embrace to experience and something you can’t experience unless you embrace it.

When I do embrace it and accept that “everything happens for a reason” I find that things don’t seem to have as much power over me anymore.  It’s not that it’s no longer important it’s just that I’m reducing the impact it has on my life by changing the way I’m looking at it and in doing that what I’m looking at changes.  It’s amazing how one little alteration of perception can change so many things, like mood, disposition, attitude and outlook.  This could be the difference that determines what direction your life goes in.

As much as I inherently know all of this it really is a “work in progress” to apply it to my life, especially when I allow my emotions to overrule my mind.  I think it depends on where we are at physically, emotionally and mentally as to if certain circumstances are given more power than they should be at certain times in our lives.  We’re not expected to be strong and resilient every single day, sometimes things can get to you and my reminder phrase when they do is such a powerful tool to have with me.

I don’t believe that there is any one person that has all the answers we can only hope to learn from one another or through shared experiences.

I have to allow myself to let go and trust in the higher power that I have faith to, and know that regardless of whether or not I like or dislike a situation that it is there to teach me something and in time that reason will be revealed as long as I have faith.  Allowing that faith doesn’t mean I’m giving in or giving up it means I’m letting go of what was to allow what is.

Sometimes when you’re looking for answers, letting go is the only way to find it.

 
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Posted by on July 10, 2012 in Blog

 

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