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Trust

Affects All Parts of Your Self

I happened to catch a show on the OWN Network the other night with a couple of key note speakers discussing the topic of Trust.  I always like to hear different perspectives and thought processes on any topic because it always makes me think and sometimes challenges my own perceptions.

Everyone has a different opinion and perspective and even if it doesn’t match mine at times I think it’s important to at least honour their feelings.

Trust is built in very small moments – Brene Brown.

If you think the littlest of gestures are insignificant, think again because they build that grander scale of trust.  It takes a longer time to build then it does to destroy it.

I’ve included the definition of both trust and distrust as described by Charles Feltman because like Brene Brown, I think it’s close to the best one I’ve heard.

  • Trust is choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.
  • Distrust is what I have shared with you that is important to me but is not safe with you.

I absolutely had to include the acronym as created by Brene Brown regarding the “Anatomy of Trust”, because it seems to me to be the best description and aspects of all relationships.

Brene Brown’s acronym for trust is BRAVING, when we trust we are braving connection with someone.

B – Boundaries; I trust you, if you are clear about your boundaries and you hold them and you’re clear about my boundaries and you respect them.  There is no trust without boundaries.

R – Reliability; I can only trust you if you do what you say you’re going to do and not just once.

A – Accountability; I can only trust you if when you make a mistake you are willing to own it, apologize for it and make amends.  I can only trust you if when I make a mistake I am allowed to own it, apologize and make amends.

V – Vault; what I share with you, you will hold in confidence, what you share with me I will hold in confidence.

I – Integrity; I cannot trust you and be in a trusting relationship if you do not act from a place of integrity and encourage me to do the same.

N – Non-judgement; I can fall apart ask for help and be in struggle without being judged by you and you can fall apart ask for help and be in struggle without being judged by me.

G – Generosity; a relationship is only a trusting relationship if you can assume the most generous thing about my words, intentions and behaviours and then check in with me.

In my opinion, this acronym encompasses everything that is important for trusting to be successful, if you have doubts in any area of the descriptions from the acronym then maybe further introspection would be of benefit for you.  Everyone has their own ways and I wouldn’t say that there is only one right way but I do know that everyone knows in their gut when something is off so pay attention to that as it will be your greatest guide.

Knowing yourself and how things make you feel is the best way to know how your level of trust with someone is doing.  When trust is damaged it has you questioning not only the one you are in trust with but yourself, you end up going through the usual conversations with self “how could I have been so stupid” or “why did I not see that coming”.  As a result not only is the relationship damaged but your own self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence.  It’s amazing how much damage that can be done in a moment when the thought of another is not held to the high standard it should be because trust is very important.

I just had such an affinity for the conversation because the integrity of trust is such a huge part of all relationships, more than I think many realize.  It’s always said that it’s the little things that matter and this is very true within trust because in the little moments you learn about others, develop, build and evolve the relationship.  You get the true moments and of course with it the openness and vulnerability.  It’s important to be very aware of the vulnerability in others, I think especially so you can always strive to be a better person, one that knows compassion and empathy and wants to bring it into relationships as an enhancement for the connection.

disappointments

 
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Posted by on December 15, 2015 in Blog

 

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The Point of Impact!

Don’t Let an Emotional Hurt Define Your Life

Faith and reason sometimes aren’t enough to pull you out of the cage in your mind you’ve trapped yourself in from an emotional hurt even if you have the intellect of knowing better.  The worst thing you can do for yourself is to bottle it up and not let it go.  No matter how much you try to stuff it down, it’s going to continue to bubble back up to the surface until you dare to feel, process and let it go.  Finding the root, the point of impact that has stunted your own progress and growth in life is the only way to truly find your peace.I'm alright

Sometimes it’s easier to replace your hurt with anger because then you don’t have to feel the pain even though you probably still are.  Unfortunately that won’t diminish it or make it go away, it will continue to grow until you find the courage to face it head on.   When another person, whether it is friend, family or stranger causes you to feel bad about yourself it injures your confidence, self-esteem and self-worth.  Your personal connection to that person will be dependent upon how deeply it will affect you.

Friends aren’t your blood relatives but can feel just as close, sometimes closer and I don’t think it matters how much you value their opinion but rather how much of your heart, trust and loyalty you’ve placed in their hands.

Family are your past, your present and your future, how much you evolve and blossom is dependent upon the love and support they offer.  I’ve been lucky enough to have such strong love and support from family, even during the times when I was not receptive to it, you know like when you’re a teenager and think you know it all?

When your confidence, self-esteem or self-worth gets injured it changes you, it changes how you present yourself, how you connect and relate with others and how others perceive you.  What I believe is the worst part is that the change in you as a result of the emotional injury prevents others from getting to know you authentically because you end up withdrawing, building walls and distancing yourself as a way of blocking such an injury again.  New people in your life that could potentially become friends notice and feel that something is off which pops up as “red flags”, that something just isn’t right and depending on how interested or invested they are, they may just walk away.  Who loses here?  I would say both, chances are you aren’t happy if you’re not being your authentic self and that person doesn’t get to know the “real you”.

Unfortunately an emotional hurt can run deep and when not dealt with you may start projecting negativity towards others as a way of offsetting the hurt, which turns everyone away and if you hang onto it for too long it will start to manifest as more serious warnings in your health.  Negativity is like a virus and at first it will be symptoms that doctors can’t find answers to because the only prescription for health is within you, you must face and embrace the pain.

I believe we are all seeking the same in life; love, acceptance, connection and compassionate familiarity.  I base how I treat others on how I want to be treated and while everyone may not behave or react in that same way, it’s not a reflection of how they feel about me but rather how they feel about themselves.  While that may not make things easier to take I think with time it makes things easier to understand.

Being present to the feelings of others enhances and strengthens your connection with them, it allows them to feel safe to be authentic and vulnerable.  When you embark upon this kind of connection with someone, know that you’re in the presence of a kindred spirit.

important encounters

 
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Posted by on November 30, 2015 in Blog

 

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The Tools in Life You Shouldn’t Live Without

What’s in Your Toolbox?

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  • I Turn Every Experience into an Opportunity

I know that everything in life happens for some subliminal reason and we can’t always have the foresight to venture ahead to understand it or the gratitude for the wisdom gained from the experience but I have learned to recognize when opportunity arises. 

Opportunities are actually abundant for everyone but I think many of us don’t see them because they haven’t appeared as grandiose as built them up in our minds.  Even the smallest of opportunity is still an opportunity and when you take advantage of the small ones what follows suit is the big ones too because opportunity knows no boundaries and once you open that door you start to realize, recognize and become aware of how many there are around you.  It’s not a matter of you changing, it’s just a matter of adjusting your vision, similar to wearing 3D glasses where the objects pop out at you, you will be able to see your opportunities in a heightened state of awareness that makes them stand out before you.

  • I Am Worth Loving

Knowing your worth and learning not to de-value yourself based on an opinion that isn’t your own is an inner dialogue you need to develop.  Everyone has an opinion but if they haven’t walked in your shoes for any length of time then there is absolutely no foundation for that opinion to stand on.  I’ve found that people with strong opinions usually aren’t very happy, I believe that is because they are so busy looking into someone else’s life that they aren’t living their own and by doing so they are depriving themselves of finding happiness and enjoying their life the way they were meant to.  We are all worth loving, we are all worth finding happiness and we are all worth enjoying our lives, no matter what!

  • I Forgive Myself

Forgiveness is a major part of your own evolvement, without it you are literally held within a trap of your own making that keeps you in a state of sadness, hurt, discontent, anger, and so many more.  Forgiveness is essential for moving past an experience that has caused negative disruption, disruption that has been awful that it has halted you in your tracks and kept you unable to look ahead.  On one of my previous posts (Evolving Means Change) I put in a quote from Oprah Winfrey about forgiveness that I believe are words to live by as well as words to inspire you to forgive so you can enjoy your best life.

  • I Am in the Process of Positive Change

I’ve always lived within the positive mindset, outlook and attitude and I believe that maintaining and feeding those states of mind have made what has become a process not feel like one.  It has become effortless so much so that I don’t have to work very hard at staying positive.  Of course everyone has an off day, I do too, like you got up on the wrong side of the bed and everything bugs you but I don’t think that has as much to do with my positive outlook as it does with just being burnt out.  My positivity never waivers, I have high hopes and aspirations for all areas of my life and I know that when the time is right all things fall into place.  The Divine knows all, I’ve had my moment of doubting it when something didn’t happen when I expected but I found that when it happened later when I didn’t, it was better timing.  The Universe just knows and part of positivity is having faith in that but I am always trying to create a better way and a better process for positive change.  That’s the whole point of positivity, it inspires you continually improve, not because you need it but because you love it.

  • I Open New Doors to Life

I am continually looking for new doors to open and as much as I get scared at first, that’s my personal indication that I’m opening the right one.  I think you have to scare yourself sometimes, really challenge yourself, push yourself forward even if you’re terrified because pushing past that fear enhances your own personal courage, builds self-confidence and sometimes it opens up an opportunity, one you might not have otherwise discovered.  The more new doors you open the more your personal power grows because with each step into new territory you blaze trails for yourself and for others.  Imagine how much inspiration one person can provide to another just by leading the way and vice versa, you may follow another’s path because they’ve inspired you to do so.  Inspiration comes from a place of purity, a place of universal love and cannot be touched or tainted by negativity.  Open as many new doors as you can find and I can assure you, your path will be found!

  • The Past is Over

There is a reason why it is called the past, and that is because you can’t go back and change it regardless of whether or not you think you will find some sort relief from the negativity that has transpired forth as a result of the experience.  Chances are even if you were able to go back and hit the delete button to undo what was done, sure it may have changed where you are now but you would also lose the greater gifts that came with it.  Don’t disparage the gifts, what you learn from lessons can help you in more experiences to come than you realize.  I’ve learned how to adapt and handle situations that in my teen years wouldn’t have even entered my mind.  I’ve learned how to trust (especially in the universe) that all things happen when they are meant to and there’s no point in me trying to rush the universe if it decides it’s going to move at a glacial pace, at least that’s how I view it when I get impatient, trust me my patience is still a work in progress.  Without these lessons that are all from my past, I may not be as mindfully developed, and the mindful development is a work in progress as well and that is because if I don’t keep challenging myself, what am I doing then? 

Keep the past where it belongs, allow yourself the presence and peace of mind to enjoy the present and even though your future is not yet written, look forward to living it, I know I do!

MarkTwainExplore quote

 
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Posted by on January 23, 2014 in Blog

 

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You Are Enough!

Knowing Your Worth

Our value is very much attached and/or validated by our thoughts and our thoughts are fed through the Inner Dialogue of Self-Love and Self-Talk but that dialogue can be altered by outside influences during our weaker moments.

The weaker moments happen when you are feeling inferior, insecure or both and it causes you to question your self-worth in either one or all areas of your life but usually it’s only one area at a time.  I’ve found that I’m fairly confident when it comes to my career/work related area and I think that’s because there isn’t a lot of emotion attached because while it is the hand that feeds me (so to speak) it’s not the one that keeps me breathing.  My love (family & friends) is the area that keeps me breathing and feeds my inner spirit with all things that are beautifully and emotionally joyful and sometimes challenging.  Of course anything connected to emotion has the power to elevate you or take you down and it’s usually when you’re down that you question your worth.Jillian Quote

Self-Love:

You need to have enough self-love for yourself before you can offer your love to someone else and if you don’t trust yourself then how can you trust anyone else?

–         When you are passionate about who you are you exude a light of warmth and contentment that doesn’t need any outside influence for validation and what you project draws others to you without effort.

–         Trusting in a Faith you cannot see or touch are the seeds of Hope and it is through that Belief that the soul is nourished.

–         Humility and Gratitude Always!  Your Ego will constantly wrestle with you for control but it is these two states of being that give you the growth without changing who you authentically are.

Self-Talk:

What do you tell yourself about who you are and how others perceive you?

You shouldn’t have to prove anything to anyone for them to believe in you.  If someone really cares about you they don’t need proof, they feel it and they honor that feeling by showing unconditional support through whatever context the relationship exists.highlight reel

–         You are a human soul with feelings and what you tell yourself should be just as honest and compassionate as it is with others.

–         Don’t assume that someone is thinking negatively of you unless they’ve actually voiced it.  Any assumptions I’ve ever made in that area have caused me to feel bad about myself needlessly.

–         Regardless of what your past has been we all deserve forgiveness.  You cannot change what was but you can create anew of what is to come.  Regret can be a breeding ground for negative self-talk and does not serve any purpose except for allowing the Ego to gain control.  It is through positive change going forward that regret is silenced.

I do believe that it is through our formative years that our true identity is created and the core of our being does not change but our formative years are the foundation and what grows around that foundation depends on who we aspire to become.  Yes, circumstance and outside influences definitely affect that foundation but our formative years are from a very early age (0-5 years) and within that age category there isn’t a good or bad seed that is planted but rather exposed and we always have the free will to choose which direction we want to gravitate towards.

If you feel like your worth isn’t as strong as you’d like it to be, whether that is from the effects of the external stresses of existence or not I believe it is your Love (family & friends) that are the keys to reinforcing your strength.  When others have drained you, whether that is by your own allowance or not, it is usually your family, friends or both that help you put the pieces of the puzzle back together.  It’s not that you are broken but rather that you’ve forgotten just how special and important you are to those that love you and they are there to remind you of your worth.

We are all here to learn, to experience and to grow and even
though our challenges and life paths are different from one another, no one person’s light is more important.

the-same-moon

 
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Posted by on October 29, 2013 in Blog

 

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We All Matter

Wanting to be Heard

We’re all just looking to be heard, to be validated, to know that we matter.

Feeling alone in a world full of people seems almost ridiculous when thinking about it, but if you don’t feel like you are being heard or connecting with others than feeling alone and out of place is a likely emotion.

In reference to some of my previous blogs, this is also relatable to “The Voice of Reason”.  So many children of all ages are making decisions ( good or bad ) based on their feelings of self-worth.  I don’t believe that this is isolated to one age group but affects us all individually at one time or another and when making decisions from a place of low self-worth, low self-esteem and low confidence then those decisions tend to be bad ones or at least ones you wish you hadn’t made.

I only use our children as an example because who we become as adults has formulated from early childhood and has been enhanced by the environment with which we were raised.  There are many people I’ve come across that display a lack of self-worth and confidence.

NO ONE should have to feel that way.

It takes only a few moments of your time to sit back and give your full attention to someone and that shouldn’t be too much to ask, it should be an ingrained behaviour.

If something matters enough for someone to try to reach out, than it matters, and it should matter to you.  If they are reaching out to you, you should feel honored that they’ve chosen you to listen and honor them by giving your undivided attention.

This topic reminds me of a story I read in one of those “pass it on, feel good” emails.  I’ve condensed it to fit here but this is the jist of it.  The story was of a teen that felt so unheard, unvalidated and unseen, as he was on his way home from school some of the other kids at his school decided to bother him and knock all of his books out of his hands.

One boy, that also went to his school, saw this and came over to help him pick up his books, befriended him and the two eventually became great friends.  It caused this boy’s life to take quite a different turn then he had been living.

Upon graduation this boy, who had become Valedictorian, gave his speech and told the story of his best friend and how this best friend literally changed the course of his life, for the day that those other boys dumped his books all over was the day he had intended to take his own life.  This best friend of his offered him friendship at a time when he was feeling his lowest.

It only takes one moment to let someone know they matter, please always take that moment.

Everyone deserves to be heard, to be validated, to know that they matter!

 
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Posted by on March 27, 2012 in Blog

 

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