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Trust

Affects All Parts of Your Self

I happened to catch a show on the OWN Network the other night with a couple of key note speakers discussing the topic of Trust.  I always like to hear different perspectives and thought processes on any topic because it always makes me think and sometimes challenges my own perceptions.

Everyone has a different opinion and perspective and even if it doesn’t match mine at times I think it’s important to at least honour their feelings.

Trust is built in very small moments – Brene Brown.

If you think the littlest of gestures are insignificant, think again because they build that grander scale of trust.  It takes a longer time to build then it does to destroy it.

I’ve included the definition of both trust and distrust as described by Charles Feltman because like Brene Brown, I think it’s close to the best one I’ve heard.

  • Trust is choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.
  • Distrust is what I have shared with you that is important to me but is not safe with you.

I absolutely had to include the acronym as created by Brene Brown regarding the “Anatomy of Trust”, because it seems to me to be the best description and aspects of all relationships.

Brene Brown’s acronym for trust is BRAVING, when we trust we are braving connection with someone.

B – Boundaries; I trust you, if you are clear about your boundaries and you hold them and you’re clear about my boundaries and you respect them.  There is no trust without boundaries.

R – Reliability; I can only trust you if you do what you say you’re going to do and not just once.

A – Accountability; I can only trust you if when you make a mistake you are willing to own it, apologize for it and make amends.  I can only trust you if when I make a mistake I am allowed to own it, apologize and make amends.

V – Vault; what I share with you, you will hold in confidence, what you share with me I will hold in confidence.

I – Integrity; I cannot trust you and be in a trusting relationship if you do not act from a place of integrity and encourage me to do the same.

N – Non-judgement; I can fall apart ask for help and be in struggle without being judged by you and you can fall apart ask for help and be in struggle without being judged by me.

G – Generosity; a relationship is only a trusting relationship if you can assume the most generous thing about my words, intentions and behaviours and then check in with me.

In my opinion, this acronym encompasses everything that is important for trusting to be successful, if you have doubts in any area of the descriptions from the acronym then maybe further introspection would be of benefit for you.  Everyone has their own ways and I wouldn’t say that there is only one right way but I do know that everyone knows in their gut when something is off so pay attention to that as it will be your greatest guide.

Knowing yourself and how things make you feel is the best way to know how your level of trust with someone is doing.  When trust is damaged it has you questioning not only the one you are in trust with but yourself, you end up going through the usual conversations with self “how could I have been so stupid” or “why did I not see that coming”.  As a result not only is the relationship damaged but your own self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence.  It’s amazing how much damage that can be done in a moment when the thought of another is not held to the high standard it should be because trust is very important.

I just had such an affinity for the conversation because the integrity of trust is such a huge part of all relationships, more than I think many realize.  It’s always said that it’s the little things that matter and this is very true within trust because in the little moments you learn about others, develop, build and evolve the relationship.  You get the true moments and of course with it the openness and vulnerability.  It’s important to be very aware of the vulnerability in others, I think especially so you can always strive to be a better person, one that knows compassion and empathy and wants to bring it into relationships as an enhancement for the connection.

disappointments

 
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Posted by on December 15, 2015 in Blog

 

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Don’t Let the Seed of Anger Consume You

How are Your Communications?

Sometimes it takes so little for a conversation to go sideways but it’s as easy as asking for clarification as to how you’ve heard something to determine someone’s intention.  Your own awareness in maintaining a level of control over your emotions will help to keep your levels from rising during conversations that have the potential of becoming heated.  Perception is Reality!

Anger serves no purpose except to upset and hurt those involved and if you let it, it will keep you stuck in that place of misery until you let go of it.

listening

The best communication is listening, acknowledging and validating what you’ve heard.  Verify back how you’re receiving things, not everyone interprets input the same way but you also need to be able to maintain some level of empathy and compassion to truly honor the communications so that resolution can be found, of course if that is the goal.  Nasty verbal ping pong isn’t fair play but can be so easy to get dragged into if your emotions get away from you.  I think it’s impossible not to have your emotions invested during open and honest communication but with determination it is possible to keep them respectful.

If you tune out during conversation to what someone is saying instead of really hearing and understanding them then you are sending them the wrong message but if you’re at a loss for words because you feel like you are in over your head and that you’re supposed to be helping them through an issue, the best thing you can do is to communicate that honestly.  You don’t always need to fix someone’s world and you’re not meant to, sometimes all one needs is acknowledgement and validation that they’ve been heard to help direct them toward the road of self-healing.

If someone is or has treated you badly for whatever reason it likely has more to do with them than it does with you.  People strike out at others for many reasons and usually it’s connected to their own emotional imbalances (eg: jealousy, inadequacy or defensiveness), to name a few.  Alternatively it could be something that is going on or isn’t going on in their life that they are hurt by.  Even though it’s not right that doesn’t make it any easier to take when you happen to be the punching bag in their immediate vicinity who is affected and sometimes it isn’t as easy to brush it off as we’d like it to be but again, awareness is key.  Knowing you’re okay, validating your own self-worth and letting it go through whatever process works for you is the best solution and in the long run less damaging to your inner spirit.  Any damage to your inner spirit that has the chance to continually cycle eventually has a consequential manifestation in your physical health and the longer it festers, the more the damage grows.

You can’t allow someone to take away from your personal power or to determine your level of worth, it’s their opinion, albeit an inconsiderate one but still just their opinion.  Regardless of what someone else may think that opinion isn’t the truth of you, even if what they say hurts, you know who you really are!

Your true circle of friends and family should be your resource for honesty and comfort and it is through them that validation of who you are is affirmed.

Always try to keep things real with yourself, be aware of what you’re saying and of how others’ are perceiving what you’re saying and that awareness creates a foundation that will enhance all your communications in a very positive way!

communication

 
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Posted by on January 16, 2014 in Blog

 

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Putting On Your Poker Face

Or Calling Your Own Bluff?

We all have our own ideas when it comes to our expectations in all areas of our lives.  I know I’ve made decisions (good and bad) based on my own expectations of others and emotional feelings but the bigger questions to ask myself are:

  1. Do I hold myself to that same level of expectation?
  2. If I fail to meet that expection do I hold myself accountable or do I justify it?
  3. Am I open and willing to honestly find resolution or peace?

I think that only those closely involved in my life could answer the first question for me, I believe I do, but then again I’m not on the other side of that expectation.

I do tend to disect situations and events down to the very last detail, that is just who I am.  When it comes to evaluating things I don’t like to leave any question unanswered, or any theory unexplored, which can at times lead to frustration for those participating in the conversation of evaluation.

I have gone down the road of justifying a bad decision, one of the most significant reasons being that I had been too stubborn to find a middle ground and the other because the emotional hurt felt like it was at such a high level that finding middle ground seemed near impossible.  I don’t think anyone is mistake free, I know I’m not, but self-reflection in this area is a great opportunity to learn the capacity of your own character and integrity.  To find out what you are really made of and whether or not you have the courage to look in the mirror and take ownership for how you’ve done so far.

In failing to meet that same expectation and going down the road of justifying it, the opportunity to turn it around and make it positive lies within acknowledging your own part and sincerely trying to find resolution or peace.  How each individual finds their resolution or peace will be a process that is unique only to them but I think the main thing, is to be true to who you are deep down and know that any action conflicting with that is ultimately harmful to you the most.  I believe that if you go against the grain of your own spirit it will be such an inner conflict that problems will arise, whether that manifests itself physically, emotionally or both.

I can’t say that all physical issues “I don’t have the credentials”, but I believe that most arise because somewhere within we are causing ourselves an emotional distress that creates the physical manifestation in our health.  This does not mean that once you dissolve the emotional distress that the physical issue will go away, sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t.  I think that depends on how far along the physical issue has progressed.  Once an emotional issue manifests to physical in your body it may take a lot longer to make it go away.  The time it has taken to manifest physically and how long it has carried out for will determine how far the roots of it extend and it may take A LOT of hard work to try to overcome it.

In my case the physical health issue I had experienced, which was created from an emotional issue, manifested in the form of stress, and stress can cause a variety of mock symptoms for various health issues, and luckily mine disappeared when I resolved the stress.

Regardless of how emotional or physical issues manifest within us self-reflection is always a positive step in the right direction, which may turn out to be the first step in changing your well-being for the better.  When you are willing to look in the mirror and measure your progress by the same level of expectation that you have of others you are choosing to build yourself positively.

Sometimes our own expectations of resolution cannot be found, sometimes the olive branch extended is not accepted, sometimes bridges burned cannot be repaired or reconstructed, sometimes the resolution is accepting the lesson, learning from it for the future and moving forward.

I do believe that there isn’t an issue out there that can’t be resolved, however it does take a significant amount of honesty, sincerity and willingness to find resolution.  Things may not ever be the same but they could end up being better, anything is possible!

 
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Posted by on August 14, 2012 in Blog

 

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The Brighter Side of Life!

The Golden / Unwritten Rules

I have always felt a strong connection to my belief of what the “golden rules” represent and I’ve found that when I stay inside those boundaries I am providing myself with the benefit of a clear conscience and an enlightened heart.  I refer to them as the golden or unwritten rules and they are very significant and present in all that I think and do. 

 

They aren’t actual rules that are in place in print somewhere but the unwritten intention that separates right from wrong for me and for many of us.  They are my “voice of reason” as well as my “moral compass” on how I want to project myself to others and hopefully what I receive from others in return.  The biblical saying “do unto others as you would have them do to you” is the most significant way to portray this.

What I list below are my “golden rules” and as I’ve said there is no actual list written and every individual has their own specific life rules that they live by, individually fitting to each.  Generally though I’ve found that most people I’ve come across have a similar focus with little variation.

My Golden / Unwritten Rules

1)      Respect

2)      Honesty

3)      Loyalty

4)      Support

5)      Presence

There are so many personal rewards within when you stay in tune with your true self and your personal place in this world.  It is never too late to do or change anything that doesn’t fit in with your own individual happiness.  I believe that there isn’t anything that can’t be resolved or corrected when respect and honesty are present.

I’ve found that by living within these “golden rules” I have allowed myself a stronger sense of passion and purpose, and a greater opportunity to connect with those I come into contact with on a deeper level.  I don’t know if I can it express it clearly enough except to say that when I’ve made a deeper level connection with someone it’s something I’ve noticed within, a sense or feeling.  It’s these specific kind of connections that attach our spirits to those we develop them with and these connections are to be treasured and cared for.

Don’t forget to acknowledge and appreciate those that you hold dear in your circle, treat them with kindness and if not the same as my list, your own specific list, but stay true to yourself, who you are and how you want to be treated in return. 

Living positive is my successful way of life!

 
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Posted by on June 12, 2012 in Blog

 

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